Meaningful Dating Experiences for Single Parents

Topic: Life Words: 1787 Pages: 7 Mar 23, 2024

Introduction

This paper will discuss the ways through which single parents can be prepared for dating. At the end of this paper, the audience will be able to prepare the children for parents’ dating whilst understanding the so-called “dos” and potential precautions. This paper will also help the audience explore the danger signs when proceeding with the relationship, and the “green lights” within the interpersonal relationships. The paper will explore readiness indicators which include emotional readiness, relational blindness, roadblocks, bitterness readiness, and the common dating fears among single parents in terms of children involvement. The basis of this paper is the book by Ron Deal (2012) titled “Dating and the Single Parent.”

Objectives

Defined Audience and Location

This paper was prepared for single parents who either recently separated from their partners or have been single for a long time. The Riverbank Church is the host for this meeting and it will take place on February 23rd, 2022 at 1 p.m. Similar to other single people, as a single parent, one has the desire to share their life with someone else after the separation from their partner. However, with the children involved and the emotional backlog, one probably is not feeling ready to start dating again. Moreover, maybe you have not moved on yet from what transpired in the last relationship or are afraid that your children may not approve of you dating again. Riverbank Church on 23^rd February 2022, starting at 1000 hours, will host a single parents training, therefore, purpose to attend the meeting to equip yourself with ways of preparing yourself to date again.

Readiness

Preparing to date as a single parent involves communicating and recognizing the presence of children involved. A single parent should put their children’s concerns into consideration; therefore, Deal (2012) points out that it is important to talk to the children to get their opinion and gauge their preparedness. Above in the slide, there are several questions one should ask themselves before beginning to go on dates. Olson (2019), asserts that once the relationship has had its foundation, they should then focus on enriching their marriage life. Therefore, single parents should be emotionally ready for blended family dynamics and staying in the marriage.

Dating With a Purpose

Single parents may be fearful of dating as this process can seem stressful or not purposeful. Evidently, there are some differences between dating as a single person and going on dates while being a single parent. Deal (2012) states that as a single parent, it is important to find someone you will consider your soulmate as the person is bound to have an influence on your child’s life. A soulmate can be defined as someone who is lovable, reciprocates love, and fulfills their partner’s needs. The purpose of dating thereafter is to distinguish whether you and your partner would love each other unconditionally regardless of the difficulties and challenges you might face. Moreover, purposeful dating will help the single parent walk a spiritual path of faithfulness and upholding life values approaches.

Nature of Dating

Healing before deciding to love again or remarry is very important for every single parent and the children. It sets a path where the single parent does not hold any vendetta or resentment towards the missing child’s biological parent hence the single parent is open to new relationships (Whisenhunt et al., 2019). The initial stages in dating constitute the so-called “dating game” where each partner puts their best foot forward. This approach entails the partners being at their best behavior to impress the other. They can give flowers or even open car doors as illustrated in the attached image. However, these initial stages do not always allow one to see their partner’s good and bad sides clearly.

The Bible

Many single parents tend to feel guilty or experience spiritual shame over breaking up with their child’s or children’s other parent. Deal (2012) calls upon single parents to look at a mirror to see themselves as God’s chosen, forgiven, and beloved people no matter what transpired to the breaking up of their family. Jeremiah (29:11) speaks about God assuring everyone that He has perfect plans aimed at giving hope for a brighter future. Single parents are often hesitant about dating due to their fears for their children’s well-being. However, the Bible provides the following quotation on single parenting: “You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child. If you do mistreat them, and they cry out to me, I will surely hear their cry, and my wrath will burn, and I will kill you with the sword, and your wives shall become widows and your children fatherless” (Exodus 22:22-24). Therefore, it is essential for the single parent to pursue blessings from God before dating and remarrying.

Dating Readiness Markers

Before a single parent begins to date again, they should be emotionally prepared. Emotional readiness involves viewing oneself objectively when looking at the mirror. Smith-Adcock et al. (2019) give the platform where the single parent makes a resolve to better their next relationship. On acknowledging and managing loneliness, Genesis 2: 18-20 says that God saw that a man couldn’t live alone hence, created Eve as Adam’s companion (Bible Gateway) and therefore by managing, single parents are cautioned from believing they are ready for a new relationship while they are really not. Hertwig and Wulff (2021), warn single parents about rebound relationships as they are bound to end quickly leaving themselves and their children to experience a lot of pain. Relational blindness, roadblocks, and bitterness should be pointed out to give the single parent courage to move on.

Dating Fears

To become a couple, a single parent has to shift their energy away from their children to their spouses. This according to Olson et al. (2019) creates a competition of attachment and excessive closeness to one’s own children is lost which creates fear. Children can feel pain as a result of loss of relationship connection and lack of acceptance (Deal, 2012). Fear of families not blending is brought about by the fear of differing parenting styles, spending habits, and financial assets. Fear of repeating the same mistake is a certain concern that life and circumstances may negatively influence the chosen partner.

Preparing Children

Due to the inevitable competing attachments, it is important as a single parent to continue reassuring your children of your love and balance time to spend with your children and alone time with your dating partner. Before starting dating, single parents should engage in “what if” conversations such as “what if I started dating how would my child and their children feel?” (Deal, 2012, p. 54). As a single parent, it is essential to not force the agenda on pushing the children towards the new partner and instead, one should listen and acknowledge their fears about dating. Owing to the sensitivity of the relationship, the couple is to observe with patience while anticipating the concerns of the children involved to be met eventually.

Things to Avoid

As a single parent, do not use the parent-child moments to bring up your dating partner frequently as it pressures the children into forcefully accepting them. Abandoning the children by spending most if not all of your time with your newfound partner taps into the child’s fear that they are losing their caregiver and thus will give a false impression to the dating partner that you are absolutely available for them (Deal, 2012). Casual introductions are acceptable but you should not proactively leave the children and your partner together and instead make it gradual. As the biological parent, do not ignore your children’s sadness or get defensive.

“Red Lights”

A so-called “red light” in dating is a significant problem that cannot be overlooked and therefore, as a single parent you need to stop dating someone if you do not agree on mutual parenting styles. Similarly, if an ex-spouse becomes horribly chaotic disrupting the new relationship, it is a “red light.” If a partner says that he or she is emotionally healed now and would not mind getting married even in that day, one should be cautious as a rushed marriage often leads to resentment and conflict (Kearney & O’Brien, 2021). Similarly, one should avoid cohabitation in a serious relationship as is it exposes the children to psychological problems and a deteriorated parental authority is experienced.

“Yellow Lights”

Flashing of a “yellow light” in a relationship means that one is to proceed with the relationship but with caution. According to Kearney and O’Brien (2021), inconsistency entails poor connection with the children from either or both single parents and couple relationships. Character issues that shouldn’t be ignored include angry reactions or intimidations, history of physical or chemical abuse, fragile ego, diagnosed personality disorder, and disrespectful partner. Also, personality differences, constant questioning of the other partner’s parenting style, and habitual use of pornographic materials can derail a marriage. However, yellow light signs can be worked on through attending marriage or dating counseling and coming up with adaptable strategies.

“Green Lights”

“Green light” indicators ensure that there is a sense of direction, the relationship has a purpose, and is safe for the partners and children involved. Green lights assure the couple that they can proceed with the relationship and the partners are compatible. Green lights provide the single parent with enough time to confirm the relationship and family as fit. The single parent’s confidence about choosing the partner and eventually the marriage is boasted when the children involved, couple’s friends and family are happy and approving of the relationship and also when there is no pressure to marry.

Conclusion

Single parents usually find it hard to start dating or get remarried due to the presence of children who may or may not approve of their parent’s new relationship. However, before a single parent actualizes dating again, it is important to know what is in store for them with the children involved. Therefore, to get ready for dating, they should move on to the previous relationship, consult God every step of the way, and consider the children present.

References

Bible Gateway passage: Exodus 22:22-24 – New International Version. (n.d.-a). Bible Gateway. Web.

Bible Gateway passage: Genesis 2:18-20 – New International Version. (n.d.-b). Bible Gateway. Web.

Bible Gateway passage: Jeremiah 29 – New International Version. (n.d.-c). Bible Gateway. Web.

Deal, R. L. (2012). Dating and the single parent: Are you ready to date?, talking with your kids, avoiding a big mistake, finding lasting love. Bethany House.

Kearney, M. S., & O’Brien, K. M. (2021). Is It Love or Is It Control? Assessing Warning Signs of Dating Violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 36(11–12), 5446–5470. Web.

Olson, S. L., Lansford, J. E., Evans, E. M., Blumstein, K. P., & Ip, K. I. (2019). Parents’ Ethnotheories of Maladaptive Behavior in Young Children. Child Development Perspectives, 13(3), 153–158. Web.

Smith-Adcock, S., Leite, W., Kaya, Y., & Amatea, E. (2019). A Model of Parenting Risk and Resilience, Social-Emotional Readiness, and Reading Achievement in Kindergarten Children from Low-Income Families Model. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 28(10), 2826–2841. Web.

Whisenhunt, J. L., Chang, C. Y., Parrish, M. S., & Carter, J. R. (2019). Addressing Single Parents’ Needs in Professional Counseling: A Qualitative Examination of Single Parenthood. The Family Journal, 27(2), 188–198. Web.

Wulff, D., Mergenthaler-Canseco, M., & Hertwig, R. (2017). A Meta-Analytic Review of Two Modes of Learning and the Description‒Experience Gap. Psychological Bulletin, 144. Web.